Catharsis

[ariadnem]

This post wasn’t born here, but I think it does belong here.  It all began because I asked in a forum “Why do you write?” and after thinking a lot about it, this is what I came up with:  (I’ve add some more thoughts *blush*.

 

“Well, I kept thinking about why do I write...I began writing because I felt the urge to do it. I had been reading some SS fics and I said..."well, it seems that quality is not important, let's see what comes out of all this" and I tried it for the first time. I never thought I was going to take it so seriously.  I mean, I wanted to write good stories, not stupid ones.   My first fic ever, is still on a notepad in my personal library, no one has ever read it. It was a non-yaoi SS fic *sigh* and it was in English,  then, I began writing in Spanish, and I could see my writings evolving. It's not the same the first version of "Miedo" (my first yaoi fic) to its final. And if someone reads my stories in the order I've written them, that someone will notice they are all too different. I have to say it, I feel proud of them.   Sometimes, I even feel proud of myself when I read my stories after a while.

Another reason for writing is pride.

 

My...this is hard for me to admit. Around one year ago, I talked for the first time with Cygny.  She kindly allowed me to be part of her forum, "Life in Sanctuary" I was really excited and I told a 'friend' about it. She's also a writer; actually, she's very famous in the Spanish fandom. She said horrible things to me because of that. Among them, that the only advantage I had over her was that I spoke English while she didn't, and some other hard stuff for me to hear...Some days ago, I found some part of the conversation, because I had shown it to my hubby, look:

 

"Porque te he visto en muchos sitios, de habla inglesa. ... Y me ha hecho gracia que estés en ese con... derrewyn ... y con cygny, y con toffee. (...)Yo no lo digo por tu categoría, sino por la mia. era mi aspiracion estar en ese grupo. (...)No tengo nada mas que decirte, chica. no sé, molesta? no, no contigo. conmigo porque debi aprender inglés, no se me daba mal pero no me gustaba y ahora con mi nivel, podría estar en el fandom americano, donde los japoneses podrían conocerme y bla bla bla porque "el asesino" es un buen fic..."

 

That conversation was devastating…for me, of course.

 

After that, everything changed. I mean, I began writing in July, 2003, during those months until February, 2004 my writing changed a lot.   It was in that February that I went back to writing in English.  When she saw that first fic in English,  she got mad at me. After that I walked away and never talked to her again in my life.  I don’t even miss her.  But her words still haunt me. I don't like it to happen, though. In fact, I hate it.   

 

I decided to prove myself she was wrong. That I could write well, that despite what she’d said, I did have the level for writing, whether that is valid or not I don’t know.  But I have my own standards. I have my own level...and I believe I'll never reach my own expectations.

vane_nt , you said in a previous post of mine here, that I was making up excuses so I wouldn't face the fact that I could do it. You're right, let me say it again. I don't want to face the fact that I might write well. I don't want to face the fact that I might disappoint those who believe in me so much. Told you vane_nt ...dark reasons....very dark...

 

The past two weeks…they have been horrible.  My friends have had to put up with my insecurities *sigh*. My friends are definitely another reason for keep writing.

 

English is not my first language, and yet, I keep trying. I love it when people tell me what to improve, change this, change that, be careful with the language, the grammar, etc. But it gets to me when people does it in a mean way...I want to improve and be better, I know that. But deep inside, I know I also want to earn people's respect. I don't know, that people want to keep reading what I write. That they enjoy it. Well, at least I do enjoy it when I’m writing. It's wonderful for me to start working on a story and imagine how it would be like. How I can change it and all that.

 

My...I never thought my own question was going to return to me this way...what a catharsis I just made.

 

It’s funny.  Despite I feel like a loser right now, I still can’t help not being a quitter.  

 

Sometimes, I wish I could just forget.  Too bad for me; it’s not in my nature.

 

"Why did you bite me, Mr Scorpion?"  said the frog.

"Can't help it.   It's in my nature."

 

I'm a Scorpion...my nature prevales.

 

Hate you Loki!

 

Finally, I have to say it, I love writing.   I'm a story teller.  I was just too afraid of trying telling a written story.  I prefer them oral.  I love talking (I'm a teacher..duh!)  I simply enjoy it and give myself to a story.  Writing makes me happy.

 

Well, hounsou , muinteor and canek24;  I guess I've found my reason for keep writing after all.

Comments

[vane-nt.livejournal.com]

Very nice entry. ^^ My comments:

1. Most writers have their own insecurities, it seems, so your case is normal. ^_~

2. Believing that you'll never be able to reach your own expectations is another normal thing for a writer. And it's healthy, because this way you'll keep on trying to improve.

3. Pride is also involved in most cases. Just don't let this be your main reason to write. ^^U Same goes for "earning people's respect" thing. Trust me, some writers end up subjecting themselves to... hmm... unpleasant situations just to be "respected" and "accepted" by this or that group... and this is not good.

4. Friends are indeed a good reason for one to go on, except for people like that girl you've mentioned. I'm glad that you in the end her words haven't discouraged you.

5. Don't worry, you're not disappointing those who believe in you. ^___^

[ariadnem.livejournal.com]

Vane...you're becoming more important to me as time goes by. I've always had your support and acceptance. Now, I also have your honesty and nice words, which fill my heart with joy and hope.

Thanks to people like you and Joe, I can always keep myself down to earth and keep learning, which by the end of the day is what I think, really matters.

^^

[vane-nt.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that my words are of some use. *blushes*