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SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.
Source
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.
Source
A woman and her daughter spent the day shopping together for the perfect dress for her to wear as mother-of-the bride at the daughter's wedding next month. They had wonderful luck and ended the shopping spree ecstatic over their purchase. they had managed to find "the perfect dress". The next weekend, the daughter visited her dad and the woman he was dating (who was, of course, considerably younger than her mother). She was appalled when her dad's girlfriend showed her the dress she was planning to wear to the wedding. It was identical to the one they had just bought for her mother! The daughter explains what has happened to the girlfriend and asks herto return it to the store and choose something else.
"I certainly will NOT", the girlfriend replied, "I look absolutely stunning in this dress...it shows off my fabulous figure and the color accentuates my suntan perfectly. No way am I going to take it back!"
Heartsick, the daughter broke the bad news to her mother. But mom just responded, "No problem, honey, I'll wear something else. This is the most special day of your life, and I want it to be absolutely perfect for you."
"Mom, you are ABSOLUTELY the greatest! I just hope you don't have any trouble getting a refund on the dress."
"Oh, I'm not returning the dress", the mother answered. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner!"
"I certainly will NOT", the girlfriend replied, "I look absolutely stunning in this dress...it shows off my fabulous figure and the color accentuates my suntan perfectly. No way am I going to take it back!"
Heartsick, the daughter broke the bad news to her mother. But mom just responded, "No problem, honey, I'll wear something else. This is the most special day of your life, and I want it to be absolutely perfect for you."
"Mom, you are ABSOLUTELY the greatest! I just hope you don't have any trouble getting a refund on the dress."
"Oh, I'm not returning the dress", the mother answered. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner!"
Silly thing.
Mar. 28th, 2010 11:10 pmI just watched "The Holiday" w/ Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law and Joe Black. I hadn't had so much fun with a chick flick in a very long time.
I've been so against romantic movies of any kind; and bitching about anything related to love and stuff for so long, that it was a nice change. Especially since I quite enjoyed this movie and found it really well made.
And just to close the silliness of this entry, Can I ask Santa for a guy like the character Jude Law had in the movie? Just saying...
:D
I've been so against romantic movies of any kind; and bitching about anything related to love and stuff for so long, that it was a nice change. Especially since I quite enjoyed this movie and found it really well made.
And just to close the silliness of this entry, Can I ask Santa for a guy like the character Jude Law had in the movie? Just saying...
:D
Active pause of the day.
Sep. 29th, 2009 10:42 amPlease read note to teacher at the bottom!
For homework, a class in NSW were asked to draw their parents at work.
This is Jessica’s drawing:
Here's the letter the teacher received the next day:
Dear Mrs. Jackson,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Bunnings and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week after the floods hit.
I told her we sold out every single shovel we had and then I found one more in stock and several people were fighting over who would get it.
Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last shovel we had in the store.
From now on I will remember to check her homework before she hands it in.
Sincerely,
Erica Cameron
( And this...is completely sexist (I know!) but it truly made me laugh today. And I needed a laugh so badly *blush* )
For homework, a class in NSW were asked to draw their parents at work.
This is Jessica’s drawing:
Here's the letter the teacher received the next day:
Dear Mrs. Jackson,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Bunnings and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week after the floods hit.
I told her we sold out every single shovel we had and then I found one more in stock and several people were fighting over who would get it.
Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last shovel we had in the store.
From now on I will remember to check her homework before she hands it in.
Sincerely,
Erica Cameron
( And this...is completely sexist (I know!) but it truly made me laugh today. And I needed a laugh so badly *blush* )
Funny E-mails
Sep. 1st, 2009 09:23 amThis is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!
This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland , staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
Several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland , staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
Several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
Active pause of the day.
Aug. 14th, 2009 09:09 am*If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Children's Science Exam
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep & canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? *
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
*I so needed this :D*
Children's Science Exam
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep & canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? *
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
*I so needed this :D*
I know JT can d many things and that he's very versatile and all that, but I hadn't seen the piece in SNL when he dances with Beyonce and parody her song "Single Ladies". I saw a commercial a few weeks ago and found it today by chance on youtube. (I'm sure if id' been looking for it, I wouldn't have found it).
Anyways, it made me laugh. A lot. And here it is :D
Anyways, it made me laugh. A lot. And here it is :D
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We all get junk mail from friends and not friends from time to time, however, there are things that are totally worth reading and keeping. I got such an e-mail this morning from a friend who directs "El Diván Rojo" which is an educational program on sexuality and related topics. The e-mail of course was in Spanish, but I did my homework and found it in English.
If there's a Jew among my f-list, or if one comes across this entry, I apologise in advance. I don't mean to offend anyone, but God! There couldn't be a better text ever produced!
So, here it is (sorry, no LJ-cut today folks)
Open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger
For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to do with Laura Schlessinger: she is a radio personality who dispenses Advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura" television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism and has made some statements about homosexuals that have caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.... ENJOY.
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
--------
(The one I got in Spanish was signed as "Jerry" however I later found out the author was a Kent Ashcraft and it seems like it was originally published on the May 2001 edition of Playboy. It also said that the last three questions were later added to his original letter)
Source
If there's a Jew among my f-list, or if one comes across this entry, I apologise in advance. I don't mean to offend anyone, but God! There couldn't be a better text ever produced!
So, here it is (sorry, no LJ-cut today folks)
Open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger
For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to do with Laura Schlessinger: she is a radio personality who dispenses Advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura" television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism and has made some statements about homosexuals that have caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.... ENJOY.
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
--------
(The one I got in Spanish was signed as "Jerry" however I later found out the author was a Kent Ashcraft and it seems like it was originally published on the May 2001 edition of Playboy. It also said that the last three questions were later added to his original letter)
Source
Some fun ^^
Oct. 27th, 2007 08:52 amThis week has been a very good one, and I need to finish it in a good mood.
